Shady is not bad. Shady is scared.

• It’s important that children learn to love their Shady — so they can learn to love their whole self.
• Shady is a part of us, the scared part of us.
• Shady is the worried and judgemental thoughts we think over and over again. Our fearful inner thoughts and self-talk are Shady.
• Our inner voice and thoughts are neural pathways that were first formed from birth to seven years old. Unless we have changed these, they may still be the same.
• When we were little our Shady grew from observing and listening to others. Our inner Shady self-talk is often a reflection of what the people around us said to us and about us when we were little. Most young children are very good at spying on the grownups, and listening to what they say about them.
• Our Shady also grew from the sense we made of what was happening around us. If we wanted Dad’s attention and he didn’t give it to us, our Shady told us, “Daddy doesn’t love me”.
• Our internal Shady was also created from our fear response in our downstairs brain (Dan Siegel) but then our Shady became habitual and a part of our personality – who we are.

We can be in Shady

• We can be in Shady but not in our fear response (dysregulated).
• Our children’s Shadys are forming right now. Everything we say and do influences the way their Shady develops in their personality. We can help them train their Shady.
• Imagine two dogs – one growing up with owners who train the dog in loving ways to be respectful, protective and supportive. The other dog growing up with inconsistent owners who do not train it. Which dog is going to be easier to live with?
• We want our children to have helpful thoughts and helpful inner self-talk when they are older. This helpful inner self-talk comes from Sparky. Our children can hear their Sparky when they learn to train their Shady.
• If we help our children train their Shady with love, patience and time, their Shady will learn to protect them in helpful ways — that’s Shady’s golden hat.

When your child is in Shady

• A “Shady moment” means your child is dysregulated — they’re in their downstairs brain reacting, OR they are behaving on autopilot in the way they have learnt to behave OR they are choosing to behave in a Shady way to meet their needs OR their body needs something. 
• Children have physical, emotional, mental, social and spiritual needs.
• To help our children return to the part of them that can observe and choose (their upstairs brain or conscious awareness):
  – Get into your own Sparky.
  – Send them love. Connect with them.
  – Hold a safe, supportive, loving space until they return to themselves (become regulated again) and are ready to come out of Shady.

What not to say in the moment

• Avoid saying things like:
  “That’s so Shady.”
  “You’re being Shady — stop it.”
  “Is that Sparky or Shady? Sounds like Shady.”
  “Control yourself. You are doing this on purpose.”

• Why?
  – When we respond like this we are in Shady, trying to protect our child – but it isn’t helpful.
  – We are our child’s most important role model, they do what we do.
  – What we say to them becomes what they say to themselves in their own inner thoughts and self-talk (Shady in their head).
  – We can trigger shame and children may start hating on themselves and their Shady.
  – Neurologically, children cannot choose a different thought or behaviour when they’re unconsciously in Shady!
  – We want them to choose to get out of Shady themselves so they can meet their needs in a Sparky way.

What you can say and do

• • Sometimes you’ll need to say “Stop” and raise your voice to keep your child or other children safe (Shady’s golden hat).
  • Other times you can call out Shady (respectfully), “Shady is not helping you.” And offer help, “Can I help you?” 
  • If your child is willing to accept help, ask them, “What is your Shady saying?” Listen to everything their Shady is saying, let them feel their emotions and when they are calmer ask them to ask Sparky for help. 
  • Alternatively, you could go straight to… “Sparky can you help us please?” And remove any danger. This may be enough to bring them back into themselves. 

What to say later

• When your child is back in themselves, gently say something like:
  “It looked like your Shady was trying to protect you before when you were hitting your sister. What was Shady saying to you?”
• Follow up with:
  “Ask Sparky for help so you know what to do next time.” Then discuss what your child’s Sparky suggested. If they can’t hear Sparky, tell them what your Sparky suggests.
• When your child behaves in a Shady way it is an opportunity to teach them how to self-regulate and get out of their Shady. It is a chance to teach them how to meet their needs in a different way.
• The best way to help a child self-regulate is to co-regulate, hence the ‘get into Sparky yourself’ suggestion and then ask Sparky for help.
• Role modelling is also great. When your Shady is not helping you, you can role model by saying:
  “Stop Shady, that’s not helping.”
  And then if appropriate tell your child what your Shady was saying in your head and how this wasn’t helping you.

Grownups have Shady too

• Responding to Shady behaviour in a Sparky way takes practice.
• As parents and carers, we often go into our own Shady and react the way we always have.
• Most grownups didn’t learn this stuff when we were kids — so please,
  be kind to yourself as you retrain your Shady.
• When you are Shady with your child, apologise and use it as a teaching moment. “Sorry I yelled at you, I need to train my Shady to be more patient.”
• We are all going to make mistakes. It is okay to make mistakes. It is okay to be human – this is one of the most important lessons we can teach our children.

Real life story

I was driving my granddaughter home in her family car when she requested a song. I told her I couldn’t play the song because I wasn’t in my car and didn’t know how to play the song in her car. She started screaming at me (loudly) to play her song as she kicked the back of the seat (hard) with both feet. I gently said, “Gracie, could you ask your Shady to stop yelling at me and stop kicking the seat please?” I could hear Gracie talking to her Shady in the back, “Stop it Shady, she doesn’t like it.” I pulled the car over and worked out how to play the song. Gracie said “Thank you Nan. I told Shady she wasn’t helping.” (The names were changed, but the story is otherwise completely true!) 

❤️ Kathy